blogmonkey

you are a rebel spy and a traitor

2004-05-12T22:57:00.000+12:00

Surrel things continue to happen with my blog. Now I can't see it at all. Can anyone else? Please email me if you can. coravel@paradise.net.nz
If you can't you won't be able to see this so it won't matter.
Also, my blog template (where the links and such should be) seems to be displaying information for a 20 year old woman in England.

this R2 unit has a bad motivator

2004-05-12T22:47:00.000+12:00

This strange new look blogger format has me a mite puzzled. Is the reason why I have had no comments visible because I apparently had it set to hide them? I don't remember ever actually doing this so it must be a default setting. We shall see when I publish this post.

Nothing of interest to add tonight.

look sir, droids!

2004-05-11T23:26:00.000+12:00

Spent much of today helping a friend shift to a new place. He wasn't moving far and he didn't have a huge amount of stuff but unfortunately he has no money so we had to move it all by carrying it along the street to his new place. As I said, the distance itself wasn't bad, but being Wellington there were of course many stairs involved.

Why is the winner of NZ Idol on the front page of the paper?

we must be cautious

2004-05-09T18:57:00.000+12:00

Still can't get comments back, haloscan is being odd. Links are being restored slowly, as I remember them. Also, pictures don't seem to work now either.

you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy

2004-05-09T12:24:00.000+12:00

Sigh, back to basic orange again. I will restore the links when I can be arsed.

but I was going into tosche station to pick up some power convertors!

2004-05-08T00:43:00.000+12:00

On Cuba street recently I observed two pigeons doing what looked rather like a mating dance, that is until a passerby threw a rock at them. She must really hate pigeons.
There was also a man with a mullet busking. Perhaps he was trying to get enough money for a haircut.

Van Helsing is silly, very silly.

Still no word on what's happened to the vanished bits of my blog.

I didn't do it

2004-05-07T11:57:00.000+12:00

Parts of my blog seem to have vanished, I know not why.
And now some pictures also seem to have gone too.

my hovercraft is full of eels

2004-05-07T00:37:00.000+12:00

This week I have been strangely uninspired about blogging. Perhaps it's because I would have only been bitching about stuff that's annoyed me, such as the incompetence of The Who Shop (long, complicated story) or the short-sightedness of Trademe (don't ask, really don't). Also, I'm back to part-time hours at work for the timebeing, but I've been quite enjoying not having to get up in the mornings and strolling into work in the afternoon. I'll worry about the reduced income later.
I've been a bit lazy about writing characters for Beanstalk, but still managed to get most of them done. I find I have a tendency to agonize a lot over stuff that I'm writing, which does slow down the process somewhat.
Project Dawn is finally starting to go somewhere, after several months of stop-start mucking around. Now that's the plot is actually moving along I'm getting right into proper GM mode and starting to think about cool ideas for the story. I've even done up a nice little image file, which you'll see if you visit the site. Hahaha The poor fools, if only they knew what awaited them.
Played two games of netball tonight, was roped in by another team because they didn't have enough boys. It was a good workout but my skills are sorely lacking. Some of those guys are good. Our team was severley outclassed, although we rallied mightily in the second half to peg back their scoring. It probably didn't help that their team's average age was probably about 10-12 years lower than ours.
Every morning this week I have woken up to find myself contorted into odd positions because Salem has taken to sleeping on my legs at night. He is the clingiest cat I have ever known. In fact, he is on my lap right now.
I have been enjoying watching Bottom recently on UK-TV, it's a funny show.
I have installed a number of fancy widgets on my computer this week to stop spyware, definitely one of my better ideas.
And yes, I have culled a couple of links, because they weren't being updated anymore or I was no longer reading them. But I've also added James aka Margrave Yuri. Welcome to the blogosphere J-dog. I've also removed the "TTLB ecosystem" ranking because knowing how far down the food chain of blogs I am is a little depressing, especially when some of the ones above me are such utter shite. But mainly because at the end of the day I don't really care.
Finally, let us all give praise to boobs.

intoxicated by its own foul stench, it promptly died

2004-05-01T13:18:00.000+12:00

I've been amusing myself at work by writing haiku. Mostly about roleplaying, as you'll see.

He rolls the dice
Natural twenty, perfect
critical times 2

Need experience
Only fifty points, kill orc
Go up a level

The vampire attacks
Stake the heart, extra damage
You're dust, sucker

Heroes fight villains
And Hubert stabs the wounded
Nonny waits close by

Heroes at the Inn
A dark stranger approaches
Offers work for gold

Mort, my angry cat
He dislikes you, hates even
He will eat your heart

Here I sit, bored
My work all done for the day
Should I go home now?

And just for variation,I wrote a limerick. See if you can guess who it's about.

There was a young man named James
Who really liked roleplaying games
He thought it very nice
To roll lots of dice
And call himself different names

I know some people that know some people that robbed some people

2004-04-27T11:10:00.000+12:00

Starsky and Hutch is a funny movie. The 70s, what fun.

Phlegm update: I spoke too soon.

What I'm waiting for, Now:
- Randall & Hopkirk T-shirt, he promises that it's been sent this time. We'll see.
- The Who Shop to get my order right (2 Dr Who T-shirts, not one, in a size that fits), or a reply to my emails at least. Fat chance methinks.
- The Visitor, a book I bought off Trademe. I'm not even sure why, I'm not that keen to read it again. But it was cheap.
- Two movie posters, Stickmen and O Brother Where Art Thou?, also from Trademe.

you stole mah story

2004-04-25T23:06:00.000+12:00

I don't often post about politics, in fact these days I try and avoid it, but when it starts to interfere with cricket I feel compelled to comment. The situation in Zimbabwe at the moment is untenable and to use a cliche, something must be done. I really hope Australia and England decide not to tour now, playing against understrength, politically selected teams can do nothing to promote the game. People who say sport and politics aren't connected are wrong, you just have to look at what's going on in Zimbabwe to see that.

In other news, I am no longer coughing up slimy chunks of green phlegm. Huzzah!

idiocy is the essence of the male mind

2004-04-25T19:36:00.000+12:00

Oh how wonderful it is to be me:

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand
Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach

Ok, I admit it, I'm a big girl.

Want to take this test as well? If you must...

it made a clicky sound

2004-04-23T16:23:00.000+12:00

During a recent illness it was interesting to track the progress it made through my body during a day. I won't sicken you with the grisly details but it seemed to noticeably retreat up my body over time. I felt almost at death's door in the morning, by the evening I had only a headache.
An eager young shaver by the name of Owen has formed a work indoor netball team. we played our first game last night. Here, verbatim, is Team Captain Owen's (all spelling and grammatical errors are entirely his responsibility) report, entitled Brave Stout Warriors, of how it all went:

Few would have predicted anything short of a massacre when Archive United
strode onto the hallow atrificial turf of Court 7, Newtown sports centre.
Before the match trepidation, anxiety and uncertaintly clung to the players
like an old heavy winter coat that is two sizes too big. We dreaded the
whistle that would start the slaughter, but as the call to charge out of the
trenches, Archive United found a voice, nay a calling and threw themselves
into the frenzious battle with little care for life nor limb. The crowd were
shocked, (Jane's support staff), the opposition stunned as crisp pass,
followed crisp pass and the inevitable goal for the team known simply as
Archive! As the battle raged on, foe and friend wilted under the exstreme
pressure and heat of battle. All distinguised themselves in a glorious
begining to a potentially illustrious story. David was a wall of cement at
the back, providing a hercualean effort against the rapid advances of our
opposition, while Jane harried their flanks with precise incisions. Michael
was all tricks and guile as the ball obeyed his every command. Erica was
calm and composed and led counter attacks that shattered the retreating
columns while Di was industrious and purposeful down the flank. Lastly,
Kristen proved to be a shrewd calculating striker whose previous netaball
experience showed as our score quickly mounted.

Well done everyone.

By the way we lost 26 -11.

Yeah baby, "tricks and guile", that's me alright.

Strange dreams again recently. One featured Anzac Wallace (star of the NZ film Utu) who sat drinking a can of beer (Leopard), whilst I capered on the floor nearby in the style of Gollum. He paid no attention whatsoever to my antics.
Another, in a post-apocalyptic setting, featured four people (3 men, 1 woman) and their attempts to infiltrate the near impregnable fortress (inside a giant, grounded cargo ship) of an infamous warlord. Their plan was to steal a vast horde of treasure he had hidden at the bottom of a well over a hundred metres deep. Their plan was quite ingenious, although I don't remember actual details, and they also ended up rescuing a beautiful slave girl, who killed the warlord with a fishing line. All of the four were left handed. I'm thinking of designing a roleplaying scenario based on it.

I notice that the company responsible for painting our building is called "Red Shirt", which just doesn't seem safe for people clambering around the outside of a building several stories off the ground. But maybe there aren't any Star Trek fans working for them. I wonder if the founder of the company is though?

cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake

2004-04-21T19:07:00.000+12:00

Of my list of things that I'm waiting for, two have arrived, the Vampire book and one of my Doctor Who T-shirts. Imagine my excitement when I find the package that I know must contain my eagerly awaited Doctor Who gear! Imagine my disappointment when I actually open the package to find a girl's baby tee that, even skinny as I am, I will never fit in a million years. Not to mention the fact I ordered TWO shirts at the same time. Where is the second, and what possible error could await me when it does arrive?
Not to worry though, I just need to find a girl who likes Doctor Who, that won't be nigh on impossible I'm sure.

looking out my back door

2004-04-20T16:53:00.000+12:00

In between brief bouts of actual work I have been amusing myself by rearranging names on the noticeboard by the door that indicates whether or not people are in the office. We now have Laverne, Celine, Kumar, Lon, Turkish, Honey, Nadia, DJ Pam, Axel, Wee Nat and Jesus C. On the 2nd floor are Triksie, Slim and Snake. Oh what fun!

we sow the seeds, nature grows the seeds, we eat the seeds

2004-04-20T11:30:00.000+12:00

What They Don't Want You to Know
In order to understand the peace movement you need to realize that everything is controlled by a gaming company made up of roleplayers with help from the Black Caps.

The conspiracy first started during the death of Elvis in the Basin Reserve. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including the first test match.

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by their laziness.

They want to attack of opportunity the Salvation Army and imprison resisters in Auckland using airships.

In order to prepare for this, we all must just say no. Since the media is controlled by Stephen Fleming we should get our information from Mel Gibson.

Create your own crazy conspiracy!

in 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit...

2004-04-19T23:41:00.000+12:00

Several thousand words all at once, so to speak...

The foodbowl, most important area of the house.

Mike, one of the flatmates and fellow Dr Who fan. Obviously a man of impeccable taste.

This is Andrew, a fellow roleplayer, he is very loud (you might say his volume dial goes all the way to 11). But we love him.

An attempt at freakiness.

Staring at the wall.

A monkey and his noisemaker.

fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun

2004-04-19T23:27:00.000+12:00

Meanwhile, in roleplaying news, on sunday the players learned that vampires and sunlight are an explosive combination.

More online silliness to pass on:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
The ground swooped dizzyingly away as a clawed hand grabbed the back of his doublet and swung him up into the air.
Just do it and get it over with.

I've never thrown my knickers at you...and I don't come from wales

2004-04-19T22:45:00.000+12:00

More boob links, get them while they're hot:
Can you tell the difference between boobs and manboobs ("moobs")? Take the test!
And boobs throughout history

it don't matter to jesus

2004-04-19T22:02:00.000+12:00

I'm not done with boobs yet. Be sure to check out this site, all about a woman and her quest for bigger boobs.
GiveB(o)(o)bs.com
It's very funny, well worth a look, she has boob jokes and everything.
Obviously she is American.

paging doctor backbone to the bajingo ward

2004-04-16T18:22:00.000+12:00

Special morning tea at work this morning for two staff members who are leaving, one temporarily, the other permanently. After all the speechifying, hugging, crying and gorging on fancy cakes was finished a strange feeling came over me. It took me a while to identify: I actually wanted to get back to work.
Fortunately, I soon got over it.

79. It's official, I am now the Worst Superhero Ever, I have a T-shirt to prove it.

hey hey we're the monkees

2004-04-15T22:07:00.000+12:00

As you may notice, I have revamped the links. People I know now take precedence over those I don't. Blame Troll, he whinged that he was below John Howard. This didn't really bother me, but it did draw my attention to the fact Naomi (aka Adrexia) was also below Howard. Now Troll may or may not be a bigger bastard than John Howard, but she is definitely cuter and nicer than both of them, hence the change.

Start of Teachers tonight: A pub belching contest, doubles tennis style. I love that show.

will the real keyser soze please stand up?

2004-04-15T21:26:00.000+12:00

The boobfest continues...

And one for the ladies...

kiss me where it smells funny

2004-04-15T20:25:00.000+12:00

While we're on the subject of boobs...

can I get olives with that?

2004-04-15T20:14:00.000+12:00

Workmen spent today putting up scaffolding on our building. I am highly tempted to climb around on it, but I think maybe the boss wouldn't appreciate me peering in his office window four stories up. Scaffolding is cool.

I got no job, but I'm an opera fan

2004-04-15T19:33:00.000+12:00

Peace has been declared.
War with Jenni is no longer imminent.
She's still wrong though.
Hands up who likes boobs?

my name's perry mason, I'm addicted to drugs

2004-04-15T13:17:00.000+12:00

I have removed Jenni (aka Talula) from my links, as she has offended me with her self righteous double standards. Quite frankly, there's not enough room in here for both her and her high horse.
Double standards I hear you ask?
It seems that if JD on Scrubs make a silly joke about boobs, which he does on a frequent basis, it's funny, but when I do it, it's crass and offensive, or do you sit through each epiode being offended by JD's boorishness Jenni?
Ah, if only life were more like television.
Furthermore, if anyone thinks that I would say something like "I like boobs" in a serious context, especially with a woman or anyone I don't know very well, then quite clearly you don't know me at all. Sure, I like to play act the smutty 14 year old stuff (thanks Andy) but you'd have to be pretty dim to imagine I mean any of it. I also like to make jokes about midgets, but that doesn't mean I look down on them in any way (haha yes I know). Besides, midgets are funny.
I shall stop now, as this post is in serious danger of actually being meaningful.

yeah, well, you know, that's just like, ah, your opinion man

2004-04-14T22:44:00.000+12:00

According to the "Which Big Lebowski character are you?" quiz:

Why don't you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!

Now this is more like it.
Isn't the internet great? Endless ways to waste your time. Take now for example, I should be writing up some characters for a game I'm helping to organise, but instead I'm taking online quizzes and posting the results here. Thus helping you, dear reader, to also find more time wasting activities.

I think I need slippers, it's too cold to be wandering around the house barefoot, and I don't want to wear shoes. Ugg boots are very expensive.

just look before your neck breaks

2004-04-14T16:09:00.000+12:00

The search for true love - an update:
Brad of California asks if I am looking for a gamer girl or someone from the mainstream population. Well I certainly have no objection to a gamer but there is the slight problem that I don't know a single gamer girl who is, well, single. So I think circumstance forces me to spread my net further. I know there are a few women who read this blog, perhaps they would be willing to offer their opinion?
I like boobs.

I pooed a little

2004-04-13T22:42:00.000+12:00

Always ensure you are properly hydrated.

How evil are you?
I have to say I'm highly disappointed by this result.

Feeling stressed? Take time out for a relaxing poo.

let me through, I'm the doctor

2004-04-13T20:03:00.000+12:00

Legends come and legends go.
Huzzah to Brian Lara on his 400 not out against England at Antigua.
Farewell Waqar Younis, the King of Reverse Swing.

judas is biting me!

2004-04-13T18:44:00.000+12:00

I brought my new bookshelf home tonight, so now I have somewhere to put all my roleplaying books. Still waiting for Blue Planet and Vampire to show up though, curses. I like getting stuff in the mail.

Saw Secret Window and Along Came Polly yesterday. Feeling slightly guilty about not going to Showcase films, but just can't be shagged making the effort. Hopefully at least some of the good ones (ie stuff I want to see) will come back on general release anyway. Depp is good as always in Secret Window, but the story was a tad predictable. Watch out for Senor Depp doing some truly disturbing movements with his jaw.
Along Came Polly is jolly funny, even with Jennifer Aniston, whom I normally can't abide, I actually thought she was sexy for a change too. Ben Stiller is in good form and Hank Azaria has an amusing cameo as a sleazy French diving instructor but it's Philip Seymour Hoffman who really steals the show. Who knew he'd do gross so well? And he gives us a new word, "Sharted", which means to shit when one is attempting to fart. hehe poo jokes are funny.

No fat chicks

2004-04-11T21:41:00.000+12:00

Here's a test for all my avid readers. That's right, all 8 of you.
If I were to get a personal ad (internet, newspaper, whatever) what should it say about me? Let's see some descriptions. And what sort of woman should I be looking for?
Don't read too much into this people.

Funniest Sledging Story Ever:
Australian Glenn McGrath is bowling to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes, who hits a couple of lucky boundaries off him. The frustrated McGrath, on his follow through asks, "Why are you so fat?" To which the portly Brandes replies, "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Let me through, I'm a janitor

2004-04-11T11:32:00.000+12:00

Is it wrong to procure a T-shirt simply because it's like one you saw in a movie and thought it was cool?
(NB: "Cool" in this case can also mean tacky, amusing, strange or downright awful)

Dreaming about sharks often recently, is there any significance to this?

The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey

2004-04-10T23:37:00.000+12:00

10 Things That Aren't Likely To Happen:
1. A response to the letter I wrote to a certain famous person (not Peter Jackson).
2. A phone call from *****, a girl I gave my number to (yes, really).
3. My Randall & Hopkirk T-shirt to turn up. It's now been many months since I ordered it.
4. A refund for said T-shirt.
5. Ricki remembering to send a package she promised me over two years ago.
6. Melanie Lynskey dropping by to see me.
7. Ditto Scarlett Johansson.
8. Someone, for whatever reason, giving me a really large sum of money.
9. Mort becoming a nice cat.
10. Me acquiring Rowdy, the cool stuffed dog from Scrubs.

Cats rescued from trees today: 4

Let me through, I'm a doctor

2004-04-08T23:31:00.000+12:00

an·os·mi·a
n.
Loss of the sense of smell.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[New Latin : Greek an-, without; see a-1 + Greek osm, odor.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wouldn't mind having that.

Thank you Mister DJ

2004-04-08T23:00:00.000+12:00

What I'm waiting for:
- A Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) T-shirt, from England
- The Blue Planet RPG Essential Collection sourcebook, from Australia
- 2 Doctor Who T-shirts, one featuring the diamond logo (apparently quite rare now), the other with three Daleks, from England
- Vampire: The Masquerade 2nd Edition RPG, from Auckland
- A Worst Superhero Ever (The Simpsons) T-shirt, from the USA

Where to from here?

Hola K-dog

2004-04-08T22:23:00.000+12:00

Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement
CHICAGO—Shortly after announcing his retirement, heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis, 38, said Monday that he hopes to continue to make money punching things. "I have a few other skills, but I'm probably best at punching," Lewis said. "Cows, computers, sheets of glass—if the price is right, I'll punch it good. I may be retired, but I'm still a powerful good puncher." Lewis added that he would also be willing to hire himself out by the hour for displays of fancy footwork.

Punching cows, I'd pay to see that.

A cat in the lap is worth three on the bed

2004-04-08T20:49:00.000+12:00

Having three cats sleep on your bed at the same time is not necessarily a good thing, especially when they don't like each other very much.

Scorched almonds are good. Very good.

pass the gibbon, banana hammock

2004-04-08T18:28:00.000+12:00

Two weeks ago I did an incredibly stupid thing, but it looks like I got away with it.

In lieu of a live female bedwarmer (Prana doesn't count) I have decided it is time to put my woolly blanky on the bed.

No.78 - Is this the world's ugliest T-shirt?

Dreamcatcher

2004-04-08T11:21:00.000+12:00

Some highlights from last night:
- A pool in an icy chamber
- A giant sandwich
- A surfing cat
- A visit to Poland (thatched roofs, apparently)
- A crazy lift on Lambton Quay that went all the way up to the university and back again via a really circuitous route
- Being selected for the 1936 Olympic Games, can't recall for what event

mail call

2004-04-07T23:00:00.000+12:00

Time to answer some reader mail:
Dear lying monkey,
recently my cat Basil has developed a worrying obsession with the toilet. What do you think I should do? I have enclosed a picture so you can see what I mean.
Sincerely,
Oliver (Manchester)

Dear Oliver,
you should probably consult an animal psychologist if it's really bothering you, but I guess so long as he remembers to put the seat down afterwards it shouldn't be a problem.

Fear and Loathing in My Head

2004-04-07T22:58:00.000+12:00

Why am I so tired all the time? Is it just laziness or do I actually have a problem? Oh man, that's all I need.
I am on a definite downward spiral at the moment, I really don't like myself right now. Even roleplaying only alleviates the self-loathing temporarily.
I mean, it has to be bad when I'm actually writing about it here for anyone to read, I may as well just give up now and become a goth.

Whiny, neurotic extremely pale sex

2004-04-07T22:52:00.000+12:00

I always wondered what writers meant when they described someone, usually a woman, as having 'luminous' beauty, but now I know. I know a girl who I can only describe as luminous. She is extremely pretty, and also very clever. I don't really know her very well so I'm not saying I'm interested at all, but then again I'm not saying I wouldn't be either. She does have a boyfriend though, and trading him in for me would be a definite step down for her.

Worst Superhero Ever

2004-04-07T11:12:00.000+12:00

Ok, I've got nothing.
The well is dry.
Go read something else.

The road goes ever on

2004-04-01T18:46:00.000+12:00

Wow, what a week.
72 cats in trees (+ 1 dog, don't ask me how), 3 volcanic eruptions (amounting to a total of villagers saved in excess of 400), 1 alien invasion prevented, 14 assorted rescues, 2 kidnapped children recovered, 5 Supervillain plots foiled (one was even briefly mentioned on the BBC, no photo though), 56 goons defeated and imprisoned.
However, did manage to make final day of NZ v SA test match at the Basin Reserve, unfortunately a rather disappointing result. Sonicman briefly considered using his powers to somehow affect the result in our favour and had to be reminded of Superhero Code.

Same as it ever was

2004-03-26T18:10:00.000+12:00

Oh dear, have become smitten with girl at local pizzeria, unfortunately, as is always the way, she is in love with my Superhero identity. Do I reveal to her that we are one and the same and risk exposing her to the machinations of potential enemies? Who'd have thought being a Superhero would be so fraught with cliche?
Still not receiving credit from mainstream media for my part in rescuing unconscious worker during recent gas leak incident, they seem to be going to great lengths to cover the whole thing up. Authorities perhaps afraid of possible threat to status quo.
Whilst foiling attempted mugging last night met up with another fellow crimefighter. He is very dark and brooding sort, calls himself Batguy. Apparently he wanted to go with Batman but had legal issues with DC Comics. Claims various similarities to character of Bruce Wayne/Batman, witness to parent's murder at young age etc. Personally feel he is more likely just a sociopath who likes hitting people. However, he is a handy fellow in a fight and carries a truly staggering amount of unusual gadgets, although the usefulness of many of these remains to be seen.
Number of cats stuck in trees appears to be on increase (12 today), may warrant further investigation.
May also endeavour to discover identity and location of individual known as "Hellbone", he/she appears to be setting self up as potential nemesis, although activity so far restricted to leaving comments. Will await developments before deciding on course of action.

Thunderpants

2004-03-23T21:42:00.000+12:00

Am somewhat perturbed, have been doing truly thunderous farts all day, is this merely the result of a dodgy curry or something more sinister? An unfortunate side effect of my recent transformation perhaps, a strange new power manifesting, or maybe I have become the target of an as yet unidentified enemy supervillain with an odd sense of humour?

I have been advised that wearing my underpants outside of my costume is a good idea. However, as I wear boxers this could be a problem. Tight spandex is all very well, but one has to maintain one's dignity.

Cats rescued from trees today: 9

Decisions decisions

2004-03-20T13:03:00.000+13:00

Have decided on official Superhero name. However, still looking at various costume designs. How tight is too tight? Is black appropriate for a Superhero? Will chafing be a problem? Do I really need a mask, or should I just change my hairstyle and/or wear glasses when being mild mannered alter ego? These are just some of the dilemmas we Superheroes must face.

Justicegirl and Sonicman

2004-03-18T20:43:00.000+13:00

So there I was, patrolling the city, ever vigilant for the nefarious machinations of evildoers like a good superhero should, when I spotted them. Two of them, a man and a woman, he in blue and red, she in yellow. Intrigued, I swooped down to see who they were and what their purpose was, just in case I had to, you know, smite them with my righteous fists of fury.
It turns out I'm not the only one in this town claiming Superhero status. She calls herself Justicegirl and he's Sonicman. Justicegirl doesn't have any powers as such, although she claims to be the living embodiment of justice itself, but really she's just a law student. She does have a Gavel of Righteousness (a hammer that she hits wrongdoers with) and the Tome of Justice (a big heavy book that she throws, get it?) though, which are kinda neat, but still, just because you put on a tight yellow spandex outfit doesn't mean you're a real Superhero. Not that I'm objecting to her wearing of spandex though.
Sonicman has a slightly better claim to being a Superhero, but not by much. He got hit by lightning, which is good for any aspiring Hero, and it fused his hearing aids (he was pretty deaf without them apparently) to his body, so now he has superhearing. The downside is, unlike Superman, he hears everything, which can make things a tad difficult for him. He gets distracted a lot. He ended up giving Justicegirl his stereo, says he can't listen to it any more.

On the crimefighting side, not much to report, this town has a distinct lack of Supervillains, I've spent most of my time rescuing cats from trees. Seven in one day can you believe?

Origin Story

2004-03-10T19:09:00.000+13:00

So there I was riding home from work one day last week when this truck, heavily laden with all manner of toxic waste, nearly wipes out taking a corner and sure enough, two barrels of glowng ooze fly off and cannon straight into me. Needless to say, I wasn't a happy camper, covered in a vile mix of viscous green and purple goop, screaming in agony as it melted my flesh and seared my lungs with its acrid fumes. Fortunately a group of passing Nuns came to my aid and I was quickly rushed off to hospital..
At first the doctors thought I was a goner for sure, but they reckoned without the brilliance of one Doctor Henri Van Fliegel, newly arrived from Belgium, with some revolutionary new ideas for my treatment. He started work immediately, plying me with all manner of strange unguents and ointments, lasers and machines that go 'Bing!'
For a few days nothing semed to work, but then, when my skin stopped peeling off in great chunks and I was able to breathe independently again, I started feeling much better. Much, much better in fact, better than I'd felt before the accident even. So in only a short while I was fully recovered, only slightly disappointed that my brush with toxic ooze and bizarre medical experimentation had not granted me any superpowers, or had they? As I walked down the hopsital steps, ready to resume my life, I was struck by lightning, twice. And that's when my superpowers manifested themselves.
I'm still not sure myself exactly what the limit of my powers might be, but it's going to be fun finding out.

Next Time: My first encounter with some other aspiring Superheroes...

Amazing Tales no. 1

2004-03-09T20:22:00.000+13:00

As may have been noted, I have not blogged in some time. Well there is a very good explanation for that. Over the last few days some major changes have occurred in my life. Now I have a purpose, I am now a righter of wrongs, a doer of good deeds and all round good guy, I am ... A Superhero! So no more self-indulgent whining about my inability to find a girlfriend, no half-arsed political rants, this blog will now be devoted to bringing you the story of my crimefighting deeds.
The title of this blog shall remain unchanged, so as to fool my enemies.

Coming next ... How this Superhero came to be.

I blog therefore I am

2004-02-29T22:43:00.000+13:00

Added some new blogs to my links:
The infamous Troll4hire (aka "Cha0sslave"or Damon) and the lovely Naomi (aka Adrexia), she of the shin kicking incident. One day she will be mine. Or not. That ought to worry her, should she read this. hehehe

Three cheers for the Black Caps, an historic series win over South Africa! And a special cheer for living legend Chris Harris, the oldest man ever to play cricket (well he looks it anyway) for New Zealand.

Zestradi is cool, I am having so much fun with it and I think the players are too. I love GMing.

Why do only fools and horses work?

2004-02-28T12:07:00.000+13:00

More inane quiz nonsense:

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

After throwing this polar fleece jersey onto my bed a few days ago Prana promptly claimed it and it is now the only place she will sleep. I don't have the heart to move it when she's not on it.

Maybe we hit a space cow

2004-02-28T00:26:00.000+13:00

Goddamn I can't wait for the Oscars...TO BE OVER!
I hate them so much, all I want is for Johnny Depp to win best actor (he might) and Keisha Castle-Hughes best actress (she won't). If only they could do it more quickly, without all the pretentious, self-important grandstanding.
Peter Jackson & co will most likely bring home a sackful of awards too, but I don't think the oscars actually count for all that much, so it won't really matter if they don't.

You're not in Guatemala now Doctor Ropata*

2004-02-25T21:38:00.000+13:00

Reading through some of our film files at work over the last few days, which is actually part of my job, has brought a few things to my attention.
- Whatever happened to some of those former Shortland Street "stars"? They were big for a few months, even a year or two, and now, nothing (That guy who was Lionel had a messy cameo in Lord of the Rings I know, getting eaten by a warg, but that's about it). I didn't even know there'd been all these big casting changes, with all sorts of major characters getting the arse.
- Film critics in Georgia (the former Soviet Union one, not the American state) thought New Zealand to be a non-existent country after watching Sleeping Dogs, our very first major feature film.
- New Zealand in the early 80s was an incredibly conservative place, and even back then there was the "Society for the Protection of Community Standards", led by Patricia Bartlett who wrote numerous letters to the papers complaining about the use of naughty words and suchlike.

It continues to amaze me how effective Don Brash's scaremongering over supposed special rights for Maori people has been. What special rights? I see lots of complaining going on, but no-one seems to be able to actually offer any real examples of them.
And what's all this bull about Maori taking, allegedly, excessive time off to attend a tangi? This, according to Brash and his ilk, is a bad thing because it harms their work prospects? Excuse me, why is this? Why is someone's job more important than their life? When did we become slaves of the economy, isn't it supposed to serve us, not the other way around? If someone important to me died (like Mort for example) I'd like to think I could take as much as I needed to grieve, rather than being expected to be back in the office the next day, working on something that, ultimately, doesn't really matter. Modern life is so full of irrelevant shit, yet most people seem to think this is how it should be.
I am filled with (self) righteous fury tonight aren't I? Golly.

On a positive note, we win the cricket again! Now at least we can't lose the series.
Statistical oddity that I've noticed: Both captains, Stephen Fleming (all praise His name) and Graeme Smith, have scored 232 runs at an average of 58 so far in the series, the only difference being Smith has two 50s to Fleming's one 50 and one century.

Also, two more of my new T-shirts arrived today, hehehe, hooray for Knight Rider aka David Hasselhoff! Only 5 more to go now (for the time being at any rate).

*Actually, I think he's on Kamino now (obscure Star Wars joke, sorry).

Harness the ancient power of the vagina

2004-02-24T22:11:00.000+13:00

If the military can't bring about the collapse of Arab society, maybe television can:
Big Brother comes to Arab world
Is nowhere safe from the insidious influence of "reality" TV?

So Arnold Schwarzenegger thinks the ban on foreign born American citizens running for president should be lifted. What a surprise that is. Schwarzenegger raps top office bar

This one's just for Danesh:

Why is there an iguana in my sock drawer?

2004-02-23T21:13:00.000+13:00

It's official, I have run out of storage space for my T-shirts. Another one arrived today.

I've updated my wantlist. It's not just T-shirts anymore! Now if people would just start buying me stuff from it...

- "What'd you do that for?"
- "He said I had a big spare tyre."

You may laugh now.

Power can be held in the smallest of things...

2004-02-21T18:00:00.000+13:00

The Films of Paul Jackson, Health and Safety adviser to the stars:
- Hound of the Baskervilles, The (2002) (TV) (health and safety officer)
- Quills (2000) (health and safety officer)
... aka Quills - Macht der Besessenheit (2001) (Germany)
- Notting Hill (1999) (health and safety officer)
- Shakespeare in Love (1998) (health and safety advisor)
- Lost in Space (1998) (health officer) (safety officer)
... aka LS (1998) (USA: promotional abbreviation)
- Man Who Knew Too Little, The (1997) (health and safety consultant)
... aka Agent Null Null Nix (1998) (Germany)

(profile from the IMDB)

She's so high, I want to crawl all over her

2004-02-20T11:14:00.000+13:00

A quick update, to satisfy the curious:
The Hi De Hi theme tune was written by Jimmy Perry, one of the shows creators (along with David Croft), and is called Holiday Rock. The song was performed, as stated earlier, by Paul Shane, who also played comedian Ted Bovis on the show. Perry and Shane combined forces again for You Rang M'Lord?, where Shane played butler Alf Stokes and performed the theme song written by Perry, who also co-wrote the series, again with David Croft.

One of my many, many new T-shirts has arrived.

The sun has got his hat on

2004-02-20T09:35:00.000+13:00

No Right Turn makes some good comments about what customary title and rights actually mean for everybody in relation to the foreshore debate. Personally, I'd quite like to be at a beach when a waka was being launched. That would be cool to see.

Now the sun has returned, are the weather gods going to smile on Stephen Fleming and his boys, or are they simply toying with us?

Father wears his sunday best

2004-02-20T09:22:00.000+13:00

Slight shock waking up this morning, bright sun pouring in the window, would the cricket be able to go ahead after all? But now I see the dark clouds rolling in again, normal "summer" weather is about to resume I fear.

More webcam madness:

Oh god, what is it?

Look out, I think it's seen us!

Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.

2004-02-19T22:01:00.000+13:00

Much as I love my precious Black caps, and lord knows I do, it irks me rather considerably that they have received so much media coverage for helping one of the flood victims shift stuff out of their house. After all, what about the hundreds of people who've been helping out all week? I mean come on, they only helped at one house. Still, it's not their fault. Stupid media.

At the supermarket today I bought one of those devices that you put in the toilet which cleans when you flush. I am absurdly excited by it, now every time I flush I giggle inanely.
Unfortunately the poxy supermarket lighting tricked me into thinking I was buying an acceptable manly shade of blue but when I got home discovered it was in fact a girly purple. Should have stuck with good old reliable pine green.
I also received a free music CD with my Coco Pops, unfortunately what they call music is utterly bollocks. Is Dannii Minogue really still around?
And now for a trip down memory lane:
At the supermarket a few years ago, I happened to enter at the same time as a little girl and her mother. The girl immediately ran to the strawberry display and asked if she could have some, to which the mother said yes. The girl was very excited, proclaiming that she would be able to share them with her friend later that day. The mother looked shocked, before answering, "Oh no dear, they're much too expensive to share."
Good to see parents teaching their kids some old fashioned values, like greed and selfishness. And yes, I'm pretty sure they came in an SUV.

Mort and I have now swapped chairs.

Nerds in my living room

2004-02-19T20:46:00.000+13:00

Here he is, Mort the chair thief:

And yes, there really are nerds in the living room, playing Mechwarrior - Dark Ages.

Brave New World

2004-02-19T19:46:00.000+13:00

So Don Brash has a bold vision for the future of this country, to take us back to the good old days of the 1950s (like the 1951 Waterfront lockout, take that you dirty commies!), where cosy conservatism ruled, the Maori knew their place (ie being just like the rest of us except when called upon to perform like trained bears for overseas visitors) and everyone was equal, with of course some being more equal than others.

Scrawled on the footpath outside work today - "Yanos has a bladder problem".
Poor Yanos, whoever he is.

I have a new toy, a webcam! Naturally, I've been playing with it. Here are some of the early results:

This is Prana, looking anxious, because she knows something is watching her, but isn't quite sure what it is.

Salem, caught unawares, getting a snack.

Jonathan, one of my flatmates, using my computer. Get your own ya freeloader!

Mort just brought a mouse inside, but he had consumed it before I could get the camera on him. It was a very small mouse. Now he has stolen my chair, the furry little bastard.

Stephen Fleming you legend. Classy batting on tuesday for a magnificent 108, with excellent support from Craig McMillan (71* and about time too), to give the Black Caps an impressive 5 wicket victory over South Africa.

I suspect it is highly unlikely there will be any cricket tomorrow. Bugger. Ooh, lightning.

The American media seems to be going all out to discredit John Kerry as a presidential candidate. I wonder why that is?

Oh man, this is, or would be, brilliant. If only they'd said yes.
Cash family blocks haemorrhoid ad
The family of late singer Johnny Cash has blocked an attempt by advertisers to use his hit song Ring of Fire to promote haemorrhoid-relief products.
Read the rest of the story here.

The Task at hand: Playing your mp3 player on random, write down the first 15 songs that come up. Well, since mine's always on random and I'm not entirely ashamed of the crap I listen to, here goes.
1. Waylon Jennings - The Dukes of Hazzard
2. Tan Dun, Yo Yo Ma - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
3. Gorillaz - New Generation
4. Monty Python - Philosopher's Drinking Song
5. TV Theme - The Avengers (artist unknown sorry)
6. Mohammed Rafi - Jaan Pehechaan Ho
7. American Beauty - Whoops! (audio clip from film)
8. Ravel - Bolero
9. Jerry Goldsmith - The Droid (from Aliensoundtrack)
10. TV Theme - Hi De Hi (artist unknown but lead vocals performed by Paul Shane, gosh it's nerdy that I remember that)
11. Split Enz - History Never Repeats
12. Cardigans & Tom Jones - Burning Down the House (it's ok, I have the Talking Heads original as well)
13. TV Theme - Transformers (original cartoon, oh god, so many TV themes)
14. Marcy Playground - One More Suicide
15. Tinstar - Disconnected Child
I don't really have that many TV themes, honest!

po;poo (tonight's title provided by Prana)

2004-02-16T19:51:00.000+13:00

There is a new poll on my website:
Which is the best Film by Peter Jackson?

My neck hurts too much to think anymore.

Strange news from another star

2004-02-16T16:17:00.000+13:00

Is this country really going to the dogs? 2 signs that make me wonder:
- Don Brash's carefully calculated bigotry is making National more popular, not less.
- In a Sunday Star-Times article on blogging I read that this country's stupidest blogger, NZPundit (no URL provided because he is a total smeghead), gets thousands of hits per week.

Also, my neck is killing me because (presumably) I slept with my head at a funny angle. Who wants to give me a nice neck massage?

Inane crap about cats

2004-02-16T13:41:00.000+13:00

I have noticed that the nervousness levels of the three cats in this house is almost inversely proportional to their cuddliness factor.
Mort is hardly a nervous sort at all, but he hates almost everyone.
Prana is very nervous and jumpy, but also extremely cuddly, just not much of a lap cat.
Salem is the very epitome of a scaredy cat but is capable of being ridiculously floppy and cute, just so long as you don't move very fast.

Who spit on my visor?

2004-02-15T02:08:00.000+13:00

Shot down again.
I am such an idiot sometimes.
Fuck I really hate valentine's day.
I am hereby swearing off women from this day forward.

On the plus side, I have more T-shirts on the way.

Up and at them!

2004-02-12T00:12:00.000+13:00

Somehow, whilst riding to work, I managed to spill ink on my pants (don't ask me how, when I left for work they were clean, when I got to work there it was). This necessitated a trip to the store to purchase new pants (according to the drycleaner, nothing will get ink out). While there, the salesman asked me if I needed any more T-shirts as they had a special on at the moment. Ah the poor fool, if only he knew!
At work, earlier in the day, a co-worker said to me, "You must have about a million T-shirts." To which I was able to answer, "About 65 actually." He thinks I should catalogue them.

Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry

2004-02-11T20:38:00.000+13:00

Time to reveal the answers to my previous questions.
If you guess (A), you are loser!
If you guess (B), you are also loser!
If you answer (E), you lose!
For question one the correct answer is (C) Giffy. She told me so herself. I'm quite proud of it too.
Jess got it right, possibly, but I'm not sure which question she was answering.
And (A) Naomi is the correct answer for the bonus question.
So, no million dollars for you James (but good work on the shin kicking thing, have a gold star).
In fact, nobody got both questions right, so the prize goes...into my sack. hahaha, you are all loser!

I watched an interesting piece on the BBC recently about the effort to close down sweatshops in Cambodia and introduce such novel concepts as decent pay and working conditions. It also went into how Minnie Driver (quite famous actor person) has got involved in this very worthy cause. I've always thought Minnie Driver was ok, a bit more genuine than most film stars, so I can believe that she actually does believe in this and isn't just using it to improve her own image. The unfortunate aspect of it all is that it's quite sad that issues like this will often go unnoticed by many people unless they get championed by some celebrity or other.

So it seems Sean Penn, another famous actor, has harmed his oscar chances by being a no show at the golden globes. Penn (nominated for his performance in Mystic River) is apparently well known for being scornful of awards ceremonies and so word on the street is that not turning up to accept his best actor gong at the globes might have cost him the oscar. But hold on, isn't the award supposed to be for his acting ability? I'd say that if he doesn't win at one award ceremony just because he wasn't at another, different award ceremony (apparently he was off spending time with his child, I mean really, does the man have no sense of priorities?) proves his point and that his scorn is fully justified. But then, I'm not famous.

This week's question - From what film is the following quote?
Paquita: Your mother ate my dog!
Lionel: Not all of it.

When in doubt, kick 'em in the nadgers and scarper

2004-02-10T21:03:00.000+13:00

I have devised a formula: the bigger the car, the worse the driver.

According to the marketing types I should now be getting excited about the Super 12. And not just any Super 12 mind you, the Rebel Sport Super 12, because selling overpriced sportsgear is what it's really about after all. Woo.

Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

2004-02-10T00:28:00.000+13:00

In our letterbox today, a postcard from our Absolutely Positively Wellington City Council that reads: Last year more than 30 rubbish collectors were injured by your rubbish.
Wow, I'm impressed, my rubbish, mine. I had no idea I'd been so hellishly irresponsible. Surely it can't have been anything to do with those razorblades, used syringes and jagged shards of broken glass I threw out?

So, it seems even the addition of bad poetry isn't enough to shock people out of their antipathy towards posting comments. Ha, screw you all, I don't need your comments to validate my existence anyway.

Pulp Fiction

2004-02-07T13:20:00.000+13:00

A (very bad) poem, by me, using movie titles from posters in my bedroom.

One Night at McCool's
on the corner of State and Main
in the City of God, Casablanca
A Mighty Wind was blowing
The Usual Suspects were there
rounded up in No Man's Land
by the Princess and the Warrior
Harry was there to help
The Taxi Driver came along too
The Quiet American sat in the corner
watching the Bright Young Things
Bowling for Columbine and
The Man Without a Past trying
to Bend It Like Beckham
Wilbur, who Wants to Kill Himself
was Kissing Jessica Stein in The Closet
while The Pianist played on
Atanarjuat, behind the bar,
checked the time
and called, Last Orders

Ok, I promise not to do that again.

My hat has a cow

2004-02-06T21:11:00.000+13:00

Ray sighted today, first time since his departure. Standing on the footpath, outside what is apparently his new home, barefoot, not really doing anything. He waved to me. Fortunately I was on the other side of the road so unable to hear if he was talking to himself.
Later, I found a pair of his shoes in some bushes on the side of the road.

Time for a whine. Why isn't anyone playing my fun little game? Or is it just that hardly anyone reads my blog? Participation is now compulsory for anyone who does read it.
ANSWERS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION PLEASE!

4 little maids from school are we

2004-02-06T11:57:00.000+13:00

I've devised a fun little game for everyone to play, it's called
"Which of these four lovely young women did I scare at Kapcon?"

Was it:
(A) Naomi
(B) Jenni
(C) Giffy
(D) Pearl
(E) All of them
And your bonus question is
"Which one did I lamely attempt to flirt with at last year's Kapcon and end up getting kicked in the shin for my trouble?"
Answers in the comments section please.

That scorpion in my apple sauce

2004-02-06T01:51:00.000+13:00

I have a talent for scaring women. I found out about another that I scared yesterday, but at least this was only in a roleplaying context (the LARP at Kapcon 13, to be precise). Now I'm just hoping she doesn't send her boyfriend to beat me up because I said she was cute.
When will I ever learn?

Wallace was very depressed, what would he do with no TV?

2004-02-05T19:04:00.000+13:00

Oh Dr Brash, your neck is so red (And that's all I have to say about that).

People must remind me not to go looking at stuff on ebay.

Slightly depressed, am I really so shallow? (meaningless without context I know, but I don't feel like sharing)

Men behaving badly

2004-01-31T11:35:00.000+13:00

In an effort to make the Nicole Kidman Civil War weepie Cold Mountain more appealing to male filmgoers Miramax studio executives have announced that the film is to be re-edited and re-released with new footage.
The new footage includes a steamy lesbian love affair between the characters of Ada (Kidman) and Ruby (Renee Zellweger). Also to be added is a squad of super monkey death ninja assassins sent in pursuit of Inman (Jude Law) after he accidentally catches a glimpse of the Confederate army's new top secret Weapon of Mass Destruction (TM) and is mistaken for a Northern spy. As executive producer and Miramax head Harvey Weinstein says, "everyone knows that any film can be improved by the addition of monkeys or ninjas, so we thought, why not combine the two?"
The film culminates with a spectacular martial arts battle between Inman and the monkey death ninja leader, said to be so impressive that it "makes The Matrix look like a home video", before climaxing with some hot'n'heavy three way action involving Ada, Inman and Ruby.

Welcome to the Jungle, a review for men:
Starring The Rock
Emotional content - almost none
Violence - high (some guns, mostly hand to hand fighting)
Gore - low
Explosions - medium
Bodily function humour - medium
Boobies - marginal (some cleavage)
Monkeys - yes
Also features - Two Real actors, Christopher Walken and Ewen Bremner, slumming it to add some class. Appearance by former child martial arts star Ernie Reyes Jnr. Racial stereotypes.

The goggles, they do nothing!

2004-01-29T21:42:00.000+13:00

More cricket related blogging, one assumes this is why they have more than one selector for a team.
- Yes, on reflection Motz wouldn't make my team (although I didn't see the Star-Times piece on him), I'd replace him with Chatfield, but only because he forms a potent partnership with Paddles (that's Sir Richard to you Andy). He wouldn't make the team on his own though, regardless of whether or not he delivers the chips to my local store.
- Cairns junior I considered, but I don't think he's good enough to make the team simply as a bowler. Almost, but not quite, and I still prefer J.R. Reid as my all rounder. I also still have my doubts about Cairns' consistency. In defence of Motz's batting, he did make a couple of test 50s, so he was no bunny, unlike Chats who is quite possibly one of the worst batsman ever.
- Dempster's hundreds, quite right, no idea where I got 6 from. I think he proved himself though, you don't make Wisden player of the year in the era of Bradman if you don't have something going for you. Also a little unfair to assume his career would necessarily have gone the way of Mathew Sinclair, a name I'd quite forgotten (perhaps with good reason).
- Vettori's "potential", a better term would have been talent perhaps. He has more natural talent than Braces, who was more of a grafter, at least in my opinion. So what I meant was that I think it more likely Vettori would pull something special out of his hat than Bracewell.
- J.R. Reid, no argument there really, and I think I see where I got 6 100s for Dempster from , seeing Reid did get 6. I think I may have meant to put him in my team but then forgotten in a flood of statistics. Put him in place of Dempster on the teamsheet.
- Andrew Jones, is almost a shoo-in, but for his late career falling off, where his average dropped from over 50 to a more modest 44. But then again, assuming we're taking players at their peak, he's another I'd like to have.
- I still like Tuffey, but I already knew I was the only one.
- Bond's susceptibility to injury aside, I think criticism of his ability to handle a decent amount of overs is unjustified. Before he disappeared off the scene he'd more than proven himself in different conditions.
- Bruce Taylor, a player I confess to knowing almost nothing about (until I looked at his profile just now). Still, it gladdens my heart to know that there are others who think about this far more than I do, it makes me look just a little less sad in comparison.
- 'Rigger' Richardson is a rock, but I still go with Wrighty, if only because I'd like to see Richardson play a few more tests before I make a final decison on him. I still don't think he's entirely proven himself, and he certainly needs to score more 100s, at the same time though I have a feeling he's unlikely to let us down.
Revised Team:
1. Glenn Turner
2. John Wright
3. Bert Sutcliffe
4. J.F. Reid (captain)
5. Martin Crowe
6. J.R. Reid
7. Ian Smith
8. Richard Hadlee
9. Daniel Vettori
10. Shane Bond
11. Ewen Chatfield
Practicing in the nets:
Chris Cairns
Daryl Tuffey
John Bracewell
Mark Richardson
Andrew Jones
Dick Motz
Stephen Fleming
Stewie Dempster
Nathan Astle
Bruce Taylor
Taken out the back and shot, to be absolutely certain nobody thinks about picking them:
Lou Vincent
Lee Germon

I would also like to note that as a rule I don't generally like engaging in these sorts of exercises, I think they're a little pointless and far too open to endless speculation, which can get tedious after a while. And people often disagree with me too, which is just wrong.

Thar She Blows!

2004-01-29T21:00:00.000+13:00

Man I wish I could have seen this. Whale explodes in Taiwanese city

Cheese is not fish, but it's better than nothing

2004-01-29T20:20:00.000+13:00

Things I hate - People who don't turn off their cellphones during movies.
- Silly bints who drive their bigarse SUVs onto the footpath suddenly and look surprised when I don't react favourably.

On the bus today, a woman with tiny, tiny hands.

I saw The Last Samurai today. It was funny, but perhaps not intentionally. Not terrible, Tom Cruise is better than you might expect, but his waffly voiceovers drag on a bit and the film presents a rather simplistic view of Samurai and the story is predictable as a very predictable thing. Fight scenes were good though. Billy Connolly should have been in it more too.

Man bites dog

2004-01-29T08:55:00.000+13:00

Criticism has been levelled at my cricket team selection by a certain old fart, who argues for the inclusion of Ewen Chatfield (r/a medium fast, 123 wickets @32.17, 3 5w, b.b. 6-73). Well, I say to him if you're going to argue for his selection you could at least spell his name right ("Euan" indeed, where do you think you are, Wales?). Maybe he should be in the team, he's unlucky not to be really, but if he were it would be in place of Motz, not Bond. Taking into consideration that this is a dream team selection scenario injuries aren't really a factor anyway. After all, Stewie Dempster and Bert Sutcliffe are both dead and no-one thinks that to be a problem, so the trifling matter of a stress fracture shouldn't be either.
So shut your mouth Andy you old pinko.

Pleasant taste, some monsterism

2004-01-28T21:37:00.000+13:00

A recent comment on this blog (I really like it when people leave comments, more I say, More!) asked my opinion on the best New Zealand cricket team of all time. After some thought (by some I mean some tonight, I've thought about this alot before now) and an in-depth analysis of statistics and records, here is my team:

1. Glenn Turner (r/h, 2991 runs @44.94, 7 100s, top score 259)
2. John Wright (l/h, 5334 runs @37.69, 12 100s, top score 185)
3. Bert Sutcliffe (l/h, 2727 runs @40.10, 5 100s, top score 230*)
4. Stewie Dempster (r/h, 723 runs @65.72, 6 100s, top score 136)
5. Martin Crowe (r/h, 5444 runs @45.36, 17 100s, top score 299)
6. John R. Reid (r/h, 3428 runs @33.28, 6 100s, top score 142, 85 wickets @33.35, 1 5w, b.b. 6-60)
7. Ian Smith (r/h wicketkeeper, 168 catches, 8 stumpings, 1815 runs @25.56, 2 100s, top score 173)
8. Richard Hadlee (r/a fast medium bowler, l/h bat, 431 wickets @22.30, 36 5w, b.b. 9-52, 3124 runs @27.16, 2 100s, top score 151*)
9. Daniel Vettori (l/a spin, 150 wickets @35.78, 7 5w, b.b. 7-87, 1249 runs @20.47, 1 100, top score 137*)
10. Dick Motz (r/a fast, 100 wickets @31.48, 5 5w, b.b. 6-63)
11. Shane Bond (r/a fast, 43 wickets @24.30, 2 5w, b.b. 5-78)
Carrying the drinks. Daryl Tuffey (r/a fast medium, 61 wickets @27.32, 2 5w, b.b. 6-54)
Unlucky to miss out are Mark Richardson (l/h bat, 2206 runs @49.02, 3 100s, top score 145) and John Bracewell (r/a spin, 102 wickets @ 35.81, 4 5w, b.b. 6-32, 1001 runs @20.42, 1 100, top score 110)
However, despite Richardson's superior average I believe Wright to be the better opening partner for Turner (who, depite being a prat, is an automatic selection), his better conversion rate and general stickability giving hm the edge. Bracewell's figures are only marginally inferior to Vettori's, but I think Vettori has greater potential. Tuffey might be a controversial selection but I believe he is a highly underrated bowler and deserves to at least be in the squad. Ian Smith may not be the best batsman but he can score runs when needed and is definitely the best keeper. Dempster's average may be somewhat inflated by his only playing a few tests but is backed up by an impressive first class record and he was Wisden player of the year in 1932. Crowe (also a prat, and inventor of evil "cricket max") is New Zealand's greatest runscorer in tests, Hadlee's and Sutcliffe's selections cannot really be disputed and Dick Motz was the first NZ bowler to reach 100 test wickets. Shane Bond would be an ideal opening bowler with Hadlee, John Reid gives a good all-round option and would probably also be captain.

Jesus is coming, look busy

2004-01-28T18:44:00.000+13:00

Things I hate - People who don't indicate until they actually start turning and not before.

A catalogue of injuries:
- Pulled thigh muscle
- Strained thumb ligament
- Infected elbow
And they're all mine! Maybe I should have an ambulance following me around. Lying very, very still is looking more and more attractive as a hobby.

I'm not a religious man at all, but it seems a rather sad indictment of our society that churches need to employ security.

There are now 3 cats residing in this house. And we need a new flatmate (again).
Although, in a way, I won't really mind Sean moving out, as it will mean the end of endless phone calls for him involving me saying, "No, he's not here." That boy goes out alot.

I have not GMed since Kapcon, I am getting antsy. Bring on Sunday.

'Sorry' is not fish. What use is 'sorry'?

2004-01-26T11:03:00.000+13:00

Awoken from my slumbers this morning by mormons. I was nice to them, is that wrong?
There were two of them, a short but extremely tough looking dark chap and a pencil-necked pasty-white American. The tough one, who had a really cool coat on and looked like he could break me in half, did most of the talking. He's spoken directly with god apparently. Awesome. That was his answer to everything, even when I told him I don't believe in god, he looked bewildered for a second then, "Awesome."
They wore nifty little name badges too, according to which they are both 'elders', although I'd bet good money neither of them was more than 25, but perhaps the Love of Jesus keeps them looking youthful.
They were both very nice, I hope they come back, just not when I'm around.

Mort is now making a fairly determined effort to destroy my tissue box, but maybe he needs to blow his nose.

Awesome.

Mars Attacks

2004-01-23T13:07:00.000+13:00

Nasa loses contact with Mars Rover
Nasa says the problem could either be due to a major power fault,
software corruption or memory corruption.
As if, clearly the only valid explanation is aliens. Why are Nasa not telling us the truth?
And this has to be best headline to emerge from the whole Mars Rover story thus far: Spirit stops to investigate rock. I mean, like, wow, dude.

Ealrier a different headline caught my eye, unfortunately I can't find the link now, about a baby born with two heads. I thought, two heads, awesome! Sadly, upon reading the story I found that reality failed to match my imagination. That would have been so cool, a kid with two heads.

Mine or I help you not

2004-01-22T20:08:00.000+13:00

In Graphic, Wellington's local geek store, they have a cardboard Yoda (small green fellow, talks funny, from Star Wars, in case you didn't know). On it is a sign saying, "Yes I am for sale."
Surely that should be "For sale I am yes."

You're a handsome devil, what's your name?

2004-01-22T16:46:00.000+13:00

Martin Blank, freelance corporate consultant, definitely not a hitman, honest.
Also, over my left shoulder, in the background wearing the white shirt, can just be seen my archrival of the evening, the sinister Dutch, he of the "best physique money and steroids can buy." Fear the 34 inch pythons.

More photos from the Kapcon LARP here.

Please leave a message after the tone

2004-01-21T13:36:00.000+13:00

Recently someone has said that our phone message makes us (meaning the flat) sound like Star Trek fans. Given that our message at the time made no Trek references whatsoever, or indeed any science fiction references in general, I found this highly puzzling.
With the departure of Ray the message has since been changed and now does include a Star Trek reference, just because I like to be difficult.

Some photos from Kapcon can be found here. There's even a couple that include me!

A recent episode of Stargate SG-1 featured a tribe of people who lived next to a stargate, but whenever it began to activate they would run away and hide in some caves to avoid being captured or killed by the bad guys.
My question is this, if it's such a problem why don't they just move away from the gate permanently?

When Things Were Rotten

2004-01-20T18:48:00.000+13:00

I have to say I'm thus far not that impressed with the new comments feature provided by Haloscan, they seem to be down rather often. They're just lucky I'm too lazy to change. Still, early days yet.

Just because the comments haven't been 100% perfect is no excuse for people not to post any.

You just take your pants off and lie down

2004-01-20T18:24:00.000+13:00

Well another Kapcon has come and gone. Many jolly times were had, both real and imagined, by over a hundred sweaty nerds, freaks and geeks confined to a small section of Wellington High School for an entire weekend.
Blow by blow account:
Round the First - Time of Your Life
Status: GM
Got off to a quiet start, owing largely to my tiredness and because I'd been concentrating so much on prepping a different game during the week that I'd forgotten parts of the story. However things soon picked up once everyone got fully into character and I had finished my caffeine laden energy drink.
Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and there were plenty of laughs, especially when two unfortunate goons were stuffed into mail bags and put on a train to Scotland. Overall the game I'd say was a success, no players died and the villain was defeated (owing to the wonders of time travel, first through being run over repeatedly, then being beaten to death with a London telephone directory).
For myself I hoped that my energy levels would pick up for the next rounds.
Standout players: Ian (as Desmond) always adds his own brand of manic energy to a game, Pearl (as Billy) was entertaining in her calls for more violence from everyone and Jenni (as Lance) suitably driven in her desire to run people over.

Round the Second - The Underbed
Status: Player
Little Fears is a game I always enjoy, the opportunity to play an obnoxious child provides much fun, although I'm not sure I'd want to do it on a regular basis. As Chris, I was the athletic but not very smart younger (by 5 minutes) twin brother of Jo. She was very bossy. Our mission was to venture into the mysterious realms of the Underbed and rescue the 3 year old brother of another character from the clutches of the evil Witch Queen. Along the way I became King of the Dust Bunnies, was very mean to everyone and harassed the good White Witch for her lack of a TV ("But what do you do all day without a TV?"). I had fun.
Standout players: Jenni (as Jo) again, for doing such an excellent job as my annoying twin sister (Girls are so stupid) and the chap whose name I've forgotten as poor cousin Marcus. He was such a nerd, and he smelt funny too.

Round the Third - Farwatch Station
Status: GM
You'd think a game about a group of highly trained soldiers in the 23rd century would play a little differently to the Gangsters series, but it turns out the answer is no, not really. Less torture and general cruelty but overall still a high degree of silliness. The main solution to their problems was "blow the crap out of it with really big guns and missiles." Of course, when the target is a holographic spaceship missiles tend to be somewhat ineffective. This tactic still applied even when some of their own people were trapped in the alien city ("If they're not out in an hour we nuke the place"). Still, they made it to the end without losing anyone, saved themselves from imminent destruction in the alien city (albeit with only 18 seconds to spare) and seemed to have fun along the way.
Standout players: Alan (Pvt. Steiger) for having almost too much fun with the robot recon 'hounds'. Stephan (Pvt.Weismuller) for keeping the air conditioning working, even under the most trying circumstances, and for looking after the cat. Daniel (Pvt. Mantovani) for actually stopping to think things through sometimes.

The Live Game - Springdale High Class of '94 Reunion
Status: Player
So many plots, so many movies and TV shows shamelessly ripped off. Great fun. there was so much going on that I very much doubt anyone picked up all the different storylines tangled up with each other. Also, there were many impressive costumes on display.
As hitman Martin Blank my job was to take out the winner of the Reunion King. Whilst awaiting my opportunity I heard a great many things which intrigued me, but decided to remain professional and not get involved, otherwise my head may well have exploded. I achieved my objective, albeit at the second attempt (damn magic protection!). Only at the end did my professionalism desert me, when I spied my chance to get revenge on the bodyguard who had got the drop on me during a previous hit. Still, I'm pretty sure I got away clean.
Standout players: Pearl (Perpetual Happiness Love), the disturbing and determined cult leader. If I hadn't been a professional blood would have been spilt I'm sure. Andy Mac (Dutch), as Megahard's chief of security he provided the perfect foil to my hitman. Debbie (Heather Chandler), for being so ditzy and vacuous, then getting so impressively eviscerated. Matt (Jjake), as the photographer who's camper than a row of tents.

Round the Fourth - Grim Justice
Status: Player
As members of Team Seventeen we were sent to Liverpool to investigate a series of strange murders. Each of us possessed unusual powers or abilities. I was Purple Death, with the power to affect anything purple in almost any way imaginable, which is actually more useful than you'd think, especially when you carry a bag of purple ball bearings. Of course, being obsessed with purple also had some other connotations for the character too (Hint: "Darling, you really need to do something about the decor in here"). We also had an immortal, a demon, an angel and the man who knows everyone. Well, everyone important anyway.
Standout players: Andy C (Lilian aka Jack) as the demon, I think it really just gave him a chance to play himself. Another fellow whose name I've forgotten as the world weary immortal "Mr Archer", in actuality Achilles. So very cynical and had to endure many jokes (mostly from the demon) about cutting off various body parts to see how quickly they would grow back.

Round the Fifth - Last Men Standing
Status: GM
The latest in the Gangsters series sees the return of an old adversary, out for vengeance. Almost everyone in London disappears and the lads have to figure out what's going on. All they have to go on is a strange metal device with various lights on it. After several amusing attempts to figure it out, including hitting it with things, unsuccesfully x-raying it and putting it in a tesla coil (putting it in the microwave was also discussed, but vetoed, as was placing it in the freezer) it finally worked, although they almost didn't know it, having first placed it inside a lead lined box for safekeeping (On the off chance it was radioactive no-one was willing to keep it in their pocket). After that they find themselves being hunted by assorted alien creatures, raid an army base and cause destruction on a vast scale (not reading the instructions for a rocket launcher properly will do that). They also have some amusing encounters with some others who have been acidentally left behind. Ultimately the lads triumph, despite the best efforts of their enemies, who vow to return.
Standout players: Richard (Billy), for his attempted explanation of x-ray machines ("You just take your pants off and lie down") and putting several alien bodies in a large freezer to keep as souvenirs.

Round the Sixth - Reservoir Dons
Status: GM
Yet another Gangsters scenario, this went swimmingly, and was probably my favourite session of the whole weekend. I had 5 brilliant players, all of whom really got into character, did the accents all the way through and kept the plot moving along prettyy constantly. I hardly had to do a thing, I got to sit back and enjoy myself, especially when the conversation included Angus, the Glaswegian NPC who was also along for the ride. The story is, of course, essentially the movie Reservoir Dogs but set in England with the lads. It's remarkable how quickly trust between the characters disintegrated and was replaced by paranoia and suspicion when they thought one of them might be a narc.
Some hilarious arguments ensued (aided by the accents) and accusations were flung wildly.
Standout players: Everyone really, for the accents, characterisation and imaginative stories they came up with, but especially Matt Cowens as Billy, for being particularly hilarious

Other highlights and things of note:
- James consuming many, many bottles of V in only a few hours and not exploding from caffeine overload.
- The presence of so many attractive women was disturbing. However, a quick investigation revealed that they all had boyfriends, most of whom were also in attendance. A relief, after all we can't have attractive single women roaming unattended at a roleplaying convention.
- The prizegiving was obviously rigged, as I didn't win anything.
- The Kapcon Kafe, a truly inspired idea.

It's a shame about Ray

2004-01-20T13:47:00.000+13:00

Today's top story:
I am sick. Who wants to come over and look after me? (Nurse's uniform optional)

Also, Ray has finally gone. Hopefully I will never see him again.

I am writing this while crouched on the floor because Mort has annexed my chair.

And in sport:
New Zealand clinches a 4 run thriller over Pakistan at the caketin. I'm not superstitious but it's probably just as well I wasn't able to attend as every time I have been to watch a game there New Zealand has lost.

Finally, the weather: It is cold.

That's not my rubber chicken

2004-01-19T12:44:00.000+13:00

Comments and links have been restored. Huzzah! Colour scheme to be renovated soon.

Good Night Sweetheart

2004-01-18T00:28:00.000+13:00

Because of the stupid business with the comments going down I have had to republish my blog, meaning all my changes have been lost. Normal service will resume when I can find the time and I am more awake.

Time of Your Life

2004-01-17T01:27:00.000+13:00

It's past 1am and I should be in bed as in a few hours I am expected to be GMing a game in the first round of Kapcon 13. However, considering a significant proportion of people who will be in attendance, including myself, spent the evening at a pre-Con gathering at which much alcomahol was consumed (and is in fact still being consumed by some of the more hardy souls) I wouldn't be at all surprised if the first round was a rather quiet and restrained affair.
Further updates when time permits and events warrant.

*Hopefully comments will be restored soon.

I think you are a mean ghost

2004-01-16T12:13:00.000+13:00

Ok, I just watched the first episode in the second season of Red vs Blue and it is excellent. Caboose's explanation of what happened to the unfortunate Church (with Church standing right there, I might add) is a classic.

Truths, Half-truths and Damn Lies

2004-01-16T11:45:00.000+13:00

The following is a list of 29 things about me that may or may not be true.
1. The surname I have now is not the one I was born with. I had it changed legally because I thought it was a stupid name and no-one ever pronounced it properly. I chose my new surname randomly from the phone book.
2. When I was 9 I lost a toe in an unfortunate accident involving a tent and a small, angry dog. Well, that's not true, I didn't lose it, I know exactly where it went, but I have no idea where it is now.
3. I sometimes play cricket for the Eastern Suburbs club. My batting average this season is a miserable 1.66, with a top score of 5, but my bowling average is a more creditable 22.30.
4. I once got hit on by a middle aged gay man on Willis street. He invited me back to his house in Khandallah for dinner and to stay for the weekend.
5. I am allergic to cucumbers.
6. I once saw a man get hit by a bus. How I laughed.
7. I once let 4 hungry labradors lick peanut butter off my near naked body on a chilly winter morning in full view of people on their way to work. For this I was paid the grand sum of $1000.
8. I spent a brief period as a standup comedian. Unfortunately I was not very funny.
9. I am one of the best GMs (GameMasters) in the world.
10. I have met many famous people, including Winston Peters, Seth Green, Sean Fitzpatrick and Mick Molloy (ok, so he's only famous in Australia, but he still counts). I even shook hands with Colin 'Pinetree' Meads.
11. I picked "Kiwi" to win the 1983 Melbourne Cup, based solely on the colour of the jockey's jacket. It remains the only time I have correctly picked the winner of a horse race.
12. I am deathly afraid of sharks, even though I know it is highly irrational, but I also know they are waiting just offshore for me to slip up and foolishly enter the sea, whereupon I will be messily devoured.
13. I once shot Richard Prebble in the face, but alas it was only with a capgun. Had it been real, he'd be a dead man and I'd be in prison.
14. I once spent the weekend in jail. I did not get gang raped, but a very large Maori fellow did beat the stuffing out of the stupid neo-nazi skinhead who'd been needling him all weekend. That was enjoyable.
15. I do not want children, which is good because nobody else wants me to breed either. Except my father, who is quite anxious for more grandchildren and, I suspect, someone to carry on the family name.
16. My mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is mad as a brush.
17. I have the best cat in the world, his name is Mort, but no-one else appreciates his greatness.
18. I once wrote a film script. At the time I thought it was brilliant, but looking at it years later I realised it was dull, derivative and crap. So I burned it.
19. I suffer from depression and am on medication called fluoxetine. This is really just an excuse for my laziness and general lack of drive.
20. I am writing this list in the nude.
21. I told Stephen Fleming (New Zealand cricket captain) his batting average was not up to international standard and that he needed to pick up his game. Look at him now.
22. I believe Elvis Presley is still alive and secretly owns Burger King.
23. I attended my High School Ball wearing a dress.
24. I think Alan Davies (star of Jonathan Creek) should be the next Doctor Who. He is also good friends with my brother. Alan Davies that is, not the Doctor.
25. In my opinion Illustrious Energy is the most boring film ever made. Beautiful cinematography alone is not sufficient to make a good film. I also think The Matrix is highly overrated.
26. A cricket team selected only from among international players born in the same year as me (1974) would consist of (in likely batting order): Herschelle Gibbs (RSA), Michael Vaughan (Eng), Ricky Ponting (Capt, Aus), Yousuf Youhana (Pak), Shiv Chanderpaul (WI), VVS Laxman (Ind), Heath Streak (Zim), Robbie Hart (wk, NZ), Chaminda Vaas (SL), Merv Dillon (WI) and Brad Williams (Aus). Carrying the drinks: Michael Mason (NZ). This gives me an incredibly strong batting lineup but my bowling attack, while good, is not great. I am also concerned by the lack of a quality spinner. Yes, I probably have thought about this too much.
27. I consider it highly unlikely that there is a god.
28. Midgets are always funny, no question.
29. If I were invited to Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, I would not go. Because I have some standards after all.

Flying Fish

2004-01-16T09:42:00.000+13:00

Jason Gillespie. He's a fantastic fast bowler, I'd have him in my team any day, but have the Australian cricketers really reached such dizzying heights that nobody is willing to tell him that the mullet is a really, really REALLY BAD IDEA?

Not the 9 o'clock News

2004-01-15T20:42:00.000+13:00

I just remembered this, but loads of other people have been getting all excited for some time now over the impending Big Day Out, which is of course on the same weekend as New Zealand's largest roleplaying convention (read "geekfest"), Kapcon, and the event that I've been getting excited about for some time. Same planet, different realities huh.

Like, wow dude, it turns out Foolscap is friends with 3 people I went to primary school with. It's a small world after all.

Tonight's random offering:
Moses supposes his toesese are roses,
but Moses supposes erroneously,
Moses he knows's his toesese aren't roses,
as Moses supposes his toesese to be.